Oh shit, we totally need to do with his name what was done with santorum.
Let THAT be how his name is remembered: as a synonym for a sexual predator who uses his drunken-ess to claim no memory of- and thus, no responsibility for- his behavior.
Someone make an urban dictionary entry for this please. Contact Dan Savage. He’s he one who did that to Santorum.
I haven’t read it since seventh grade, but my favorite part of Twilight that I remember is the “radioactive spider” line bc it implies that
when presented with a dude who looks somehow eerily identical to his adopted siblings while sharing none of the same genetic features, a dude whose adopted siblings are apparently all dating each other, a dude whose family never socializes with other students, is never seen around town, NEVER EATS, a dude whose entire family is super dedicated to attendance and punctuality but just straight up LEAVES TOWN on sunny days,
Bella thought “could he be….Spiderman?”
My second favorite part is that she Googled it.
The biggest problem I had with twilight is why anyone would stay in high school longer than the allotted 4 years? I hate that? It literally made me so mad esp if you have been in the american school system like i bet theyre still as dumb as an other american also they have been going to school for so long and never once thought about sex ed? Also how are they going to school without ssns? Which leads me to my next point is that Carlile is Stealing dead peoples ssns for his demented family Thats right everyone Vampires Are committing tax fraud
First of all, I’m actually almost certain that Carlisle pays taxes. That’s just such a Carlisle thing to do. He probably does them all himself late at night sitting in his study wearing a pair of glasses he doesn’t need. “Our dad is weird,” Emmett says. Rosalie rolls her eyes, “he’s not our dad.”
THAT SAID, yes, it’s totally ridiculous that Twilight takes place in high school. I think the concept itself would have been 100% more entertaining if Bella had been a a junior transfer student from a southwest community college to University of Washington in Seattle, commuting every day from Forks, where she finds out the weird dude from her college chem lab lives too (I’ve commuted 40+ minutes to school, it’s doable).
Not only is this more believable, but it would also be a lot more entertaining and potentially funny for Bella to just slowly realize she has at least one class a week with each of these weird-ass pale kids from her hometown.
Edward’s in chem with her. She accidentally sits down next to Rosalie in calc before she recognizes the resemblance. Emmet’s an overwhelmingly enthusiastic Fitness Management major who starts sitting next to her in Western Civ after he notices her talking to Edward. “Are you pre-med? You seem like you might be pre-med. My dad’s a doctor!”
Alice tries desperately to help her in a wheel-tossing class Bella had to take as an art elective after she put off choosing an art elective until it was the only one left. She asks herself daily why she didn’t take Art History. Jasper is there too. He doesn’t look like he’d be into pottery, but it seems like he’s into anything Alice is into (I still argue it’s literally impossible that he functions in public at all, but we’ll roll with it anyway).
Make Esme a professor at the school, too. Adorable. She’s that Mom Professor everyone loves and and respects (and also sort of fears). She always excuses absences as long as you send an email.
Instead of collecting graduation caps and gowns, they collect degrees.
Imagine Emmet bringing up the time he was almost a doctor, but having to actually be around the patients ended it. Carlisle says “I warned you the entire time you were in undergrad.”
After a few weeks of plot devices similar to the actual book (near-death parking lot experiences, etc.), Bella runs into Esme at the grocery store in Forks (I actually love that they buy groceries) and realizes my god, these people live here?
It would also make more sense that Bella were moving back in with her dad despite hating the Pacific Northwest so intensely. None of that sort of quirky “minor league baseball” stuff. She absolutely Would Not live in a dorm with some random roommate, so going to school where she could live with her dad was about all that made sense. The in-state tuition to a great university was just an added bonus.
It would also make the romance more enjoyable. NOW, a lot of people complain that a 100+ year old would have no reason to be interested in a high schooler in the original series, but I believe it’s very implied that all of the Vampires aren’t just physically frozen at their age, but they’re mentally and emotionally stuck forever as well.
Which is, you know, horrible. That’s why some of them are so damn angsty and emotionally volatile. That’s why Bella insists that Edward turn her sooner than later. Bruh, if you wait until she’s 25, she’s going to out-grow your maturity-level.
STILL, I think a romance between 21-23 year olds would have been better, by a little bit.
It would also make a lot more sense for them to be in college because of the way they function. They wouldn’t all be eating (or not eating) together in the only cafeteria as the entire student-body tried to pretend to not stare.
Less people would notice their eerie resemblance, their coordinated absences, and their overall weirdness, which would make more apparent Bella’s alleged super-strong powers of observation when she started putting things together.
Instead of there randomly being a sudden spike in criminals in that little town, Edward could dramatically rescue Bella’s naive ass from a party her human friends dragged her to.
I could go on, but this is eventually going to become and entire College Au rewrite of Twilight in excruciating detail. So I’ll stop.
this is all I ever wanted.
I didn’t read a lot of this but I want you all to know that Forks isn’t 40 minutes away from Seattle it’s literally THREE HOURS and forty minutes away so no that would not be doable wtf are you talking about
So I read this series nearly a decade ago and was mistaken about a single thing. Easily remedied: They live in another small town closer to Seattle instead of Forks. Or fuck it, they just live in Seattle. I can work with that too.
This post was supposed to be a funny, over-indulgent response to my friend; it was not intended to get popular, but that’s Vampire discourse for you.
speaking, uh, as a formerly-trafficked sex worker, it’s extremely difficult to come forward as a trafficking victim in countries where sex work is criminalized; you just… get criminalized under those same anti-prostitution laws. of course reported trafficking would increase when the sole fact of coming forward as a sex worker at all no longer endangers you.
This line of argument is the same one that you see with conservatives who point to the increase in divorce rates as proof that making divorce safer is endangering marriage, while ignoring the massive drops in domestic abuse, murder, and suicide.
It’s a shot argument with them, and it’s a shot argument here.
In WWI, when they introduced helmets, they saw a sudden spike in head injuries.
What the casual observer may miss was that they were seeing the increase because of a dramatic decrease in deaths from head wounds.
Just because nintendo SAYS the Koopalings aren’t Bowser’s kids, doesn’t mean they aren’t his kids. You can’t have a bunch of kid underlings and NOT just instantly be their father. Even if it’s not biological…. BESIDES, it’s canon that all babies come from storks in that world, let the man just have a horde of babies because the stork won’t STOP SENDING THEM.
Maybe each koopaling wasn’t technically Bowser’s kid but little bastards that none of the Storks wanted to deal with so they dumped them at Bowser’s every time because they kinda look like him and so they can be his problem and Bowser just rolled with it.
… I mean why else would they have their own rooms in some versions of Bowser’s castle, their own airships and castles with their names on it if they ain’t special to Bowser in some way? Petey Piranha doesn’t get that kinda treatment.
You get it. You’re a keeper.
And, being Bowser, he probably doesn’t even question any of it, questions are for nerds. Except possibly how did “Roy come pre-packaged with sunglasses?” because let’s face it, he probably did arrive like that.
being Bowser he probably did a little doubletake and then muttered “That’s a cool baby…” in a sort of alarmed tone
so some of yall know i work in a bar as barback/kitchen employee as a night gig.
anyways we had a harry potter trivia event tonight and some of these team names are fuckin hogwild levels of funny. like.
we have one team that was just straight up “team edward”, who, halfway through the event, changed their name to “team jacob”
There was Wingaydium Lesbiosa, which, u kno, #mood
At least 4 different quidditch teams (puddlemere united, holyhead harpies, etc), which wouldn’t wouldn’t have been funny on its own but literally every runner up (2nd and 3rd tied, total of four teams) was a quidditch team
and of course, the actual winner of best team name, hilariously appropo considering Canada’s recent weed law changes:
Ten Joints To Gryffindor
My cousin and his friends attended a game night and their team was:
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