My favorite is people who send me unsolicited dick pics and then they’re like, “uh, hi? Are you ignoring me?”
It’s just so funny to me. Like one minute I’m designing bioreactors and getting published for heat dissipation in polymers and then I open this godforsaken app to dudes hanging brain who can’t even pronounce “saponification” calling me a slut because I won’t give attention to their limp excuses for existence.
3 billion years of evolution and the greatest form of communication you can conjure up in your fermented omelet of a conscience is submitting your wrinkly ball sac to a stranger on the Internet to substitute the attention your parents never gave their mistake of an offspring.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence, phrase, or larger discourse is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.
Examples:
“There but for the grace of God—goes God.” —Winston Churchill
“If I could just say a few words… I’d be a better public speaker.” —Homer Simpson
“If I am reading this graph correctly—I’d be very surprised.” —Stephen Colbert
“On his feet he wore…blisters.” —Aristotle
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” —Groucho Marx
“A modest man, who has much to be modest about.” —supposedly Winston Churchill, about Clement Attlee
“I like going to the park and watching the children run around because they don’t know I’m using blanks.” —Emo Philips
“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.” —Mitch Hedberg
“I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night.” —Bill Hicks
“I don’t belong to an organized political party. I’m a Democrat.” —Will Rogers
“On the other hand, you have different fingers.” —Steven Wright
“He was at his best when the going was good.” —Alistair Cooke on the Duke of Windsor
“To our wives and our sweethearts — may they never meet.” — Traditional Royal Navy toast
Okay, as a lot of you know, I work overnights at a hotel. It’s for a pretty recognizable brand, so we get a lot of high paying customers.
Part of my job is to prep the breakfast area before the breakfast team shows up so that breakfast is done by the time it needs to be. This, of course, means that I have to step away from the desk. It doesn’t really help that the time I need to start working on breakfast is also when customers start checking out.
So I had the bright idea of making a sign. It’s not fancy, the letters are pretty big, and it basically just says “Hey if you need me I’m in the kitchen, just give a holler.”
It’s worked really well so far; people see it, they call for me, and I get them taken care of with little to no fuss. Or, at least, it’s worked up until now.
This guy.
This. Fucking. Guy.
I finish prepping the breakfast area, I walk out, and at the front desk is a man, huffing and puffing. He harshly asks “Are you working the front desk?”.
I say with my best customer service voice “Yes sir, I just had to prep a few things for the breakfast team. Can I help you with anything?”
“Yeah you can help me by giving me some fucking service. I’ve been waiting for almost five minutes and I have to catch my flight!”
Oh boy. Here we go.
So I tell the man, “Well, sir, if you’ll look right in front of you, if you needed me, that sign tells you that I was in the kitchen.”
And this man. Just. Fucking looks at me. And says.
“You expect me to fucking read on my day off?”
And I just.
I was floored. That someone would say that. Completely unironically. With no hesitation.
Proscuitto, pirate berry cereal, smoked white cheddar, and nyquil. What do you make?
people seem to all be responding to this post with the same train of thought: prosciutto and cheese sticks, fried in cereal breading, nyquil sauce on the side. but do you know what counts against you in chopped? lack of creativity. congratulations, every single one of you with the same hivemind answer just got voted out. not to mention the concept of a nyquil sauce on cheese sticks (smoked cheese especially) is fucking appalling. and if you can’t taste the nyquil, that’s also grounds to get voted out.
take it from a fucking crocker, there isn’t anything that can’t be made into a good meal. especially this? at it’s base, all of these are strong, hearty flavors. not necessarily ones i’d opt to pair and i try not to make a habit out of cooking with menthol, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be made to work.
i’m gonna hit this with a double feature, because i want this meal to happen. trying to force all possible basket ingredients into the smallest conceivable physical space, as is the case with the cheese stick ideal, may get the job done but like i said, it’s gonna taste like shit. breaking it into separate parts will cut you a little closer on time, but the dish itself will be better and your presentation will take a heavy bonus.
so here’s what you do.
take a two tablespoons of nyquil and put it in a small saucepan with two parts water to one part nyquil and pinch of salt. tiny, my man. a quarter teaspoon, maybe. let it steep over a low broil for 5 or so minutes* or until the water starts to take on a greenish tint. don’t stir it. separate the thicker part of the syrup from the ugly menthol-tinted water like you’d take out an egg white. dump the syrupy bit, but keep what is now a nyquil extract in the saucepan.
take that off the burner and let it cool to room temperature and put it into a small bowl; mix it in with a dash of real mint, three teaspoons of lemon juice, a tablespoon of white wine vinegar, two teaspoons of honey, another teaspoon of salt and a half cup of olive oil. this little vinaigrette will serve the purpose of a standard mint, save for that glaringly artificial taste that there’s no fucking way you’re going to be able to avoid cooking with nyquil anyways. it’s the difference between real oranges and orange gummies, but since the hors d’ouvre we’re making is primarily sweet anyways, it won’t hurt anyone to slide into the candy-like flavor realm.
*while your extract is steeping, make the most of your wait time and peel and cut a few slim wedges of ripe sweet melon. personally, i prefer charentais, but the best the chopped pantry will probably have is gonna be canteloupe. (honeydew works too, but it harshes the color scheme.) half your wedges once you get them out into a nice finger-food size. you should still have time to strip your prosciutto into inch/inch and a half wide strips, but if you don’t, you can take that on while the saucepan is cooling.
once your vinaigrette is done and mixed, toss your melon wedges in it until they’ve got a nice, sweet sheen over ‘em, and then wrap the seasoned wedges in the prosciutto. this is an italian classic, and it’s super easy. like i said before, the artificial taste of the nyquil will give this a slight twinge of tasting more like a snack, but overall, it’s still a great appetizer. if you do it right, this is high marks city.
“oh, fucker, but you didn’t even touch the berry cereal or the cheese!”
you are absolutely fucking right. because you know how bad it would’ve tasted if i did? i’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you don’t. so here’s the long-awaited fabled part two.
from the pantry, you’re gonna need some good apples. they don’t specify which wood the cheese was smoked with, but i’m going to assume it was hickory as that tends to be the favorite for cheddar flavors? so you can compliment the hickory smoke with a tart apple that’s got a sweetness to it – honeycrisp or braeburn are gonna be on the money.
put a whole apple (not peeled or cored, but make sure to take the stem off), a cup of apple cider vinegar, a cup of water, a cup of sugar, a tablespoon of salt, two teaspoons of cinnamon, and a tablespoon of lemon juice into the food processor and light that shit up. put your mushy applesauce-style mix into a large, wide pan into it until it caramelizes and evens out. it’s butter now.
now take two cups of berry cereal and take the actual berries out. with a mortar and pestle, grind up those weird yellow square bits into cereal dust. cut 6-8 slices from a thin loaf of french bread, brush the crusts in olive oil, and roll vertically in the cereal dust. once the outside of the bread has a second crust of cereal around the outside, arrange all of the pieces on a non-stick cooking pan. (you won’t use all of them in your plating, but it never hurts to have a little extra in case they burn on the edges or something gets fucky.)
take the apple butter you made and spread it thinly but evenly over the bread slices. cover them with a layer of folded prosciutto, a layer of thin apple slices, and a layer of sliced smoked cheese. bake for 15-20 minutes, or until the bread (and cereal) is golden brown.
plate on a flat square dish with one baked cheddar and apple butter tea sandwich fixed to one corner, your prosciutto-wrapped melon wedge in the opposite corner with the core-curve facing the center of the plate. accent the sandwich side with two apple slices forming an angle, and divide the plate with a colorful drizzle of the nyquil vinaigrette and a mint leaf.
last, but most certainly not least. while you’re on chopped, in that cute little cutscene after your plates have been served and you’re monologuing your final thoughts before the judges try your food,
look directly into the camera and invite tumblr user @tedallen to suck your dick.
Jesus christ, you win all of chopped. Are you happy? Are you happy the network canceled chopped because of you? Unbelievable. Well, take your pants off, let’s go.
Don’t vote straight tickets, don’t just select Democrat. Do each choice individually. People voting straight tickets in Texas caught the machines changing Beto votes to Cruz, while leaving the rest of the ticket Democrat.
Do individual votes, CHECK OVER YOUR BALLOT BEFORE YOU SUBMIT. Don’t exit out and try to start over, you aren’t allowed, your vote will be nulled. Get a poll worker to help you and have THEM document any machine errors, don’t take a pic of your ballot. Get a receipt of your vote. Ask poll workers how they are backing up votes. If you vote by mail, it’s critical to get your ballot in the mail asap. Thousands of votes aren’t counted because they’re stamped too late.
If you’re voting in person, go over every choice in the ballot carefully, and double check that the machine hasn’t changed your choice BEFORE you hit submit. Take your time, even if there’s a long line outside. Ask poll people for help if you have any questions. THERE ARE NO DUMB QUESTIONS.
Sometimes I have to ask really basic questions over and over and over before I understand stuff. I never forget, once it’s in my head, but some stuff takes clarifying and reclarifying and re-re-clarifying. I have learned to tell people that I’m not trying to be obtuse or difficult, that I have ADHD and I have to ask and re-ask. I don’t love sharing that with strangers, but it’s the most effective approach (I’ve tried a lot of different coping and learning methods over the years, including “I’d rather people think I’m stupid or sullen or contrary, I’ll be damned if I tell them that I process stuff differently”). But now I repeat back what they said to me, and they say, yup, that’s right, and then usually I say, I have ADHD, so I need to run this by you again to make sure I’m on the same page as you, and I ask some more questions, and 99% of the time they’re cool with it, and help me till I understand. A few people go from thinking I’m contrary to thinking I’m dumb, you can see it in their faces after I explain, but 1. Who cares, I need to understand, so they need to help me, and 2. I don’t think other people are dumb when they don’t notice all the things I see, from subtext to prediction to whatever. There are a lot of ways to be a person. I’m pretty secure with my level of intelligence, and I don’t look down on non-ADHD brains ffs, and 3. This is a small, but important aspect of disability and accessibility. If I told them I had dyslexia, people would be more patient with me re-stating and re-questioning. If I had other disabilities, they would be legally required to assist me or make the process accessible to me.
Everyone gets a seat at the table.
Everyone gets a vote.
Ask for help if you need it, is what I’m saying here.
It’s worth noting that Kenneth spent the entire episode making the game (and the subsequent fight) as inclusive as possible for JJ and his disabled friends (all of whom were played by disabled actors/actresses).
so many characters are just dicks for absolutely no reason and i would. simply have to punch them. the way people treat each other in like every single sitcom makes me so angry and i would be on full punch mode all the time and go to comedy jail
I need you to know that I would emphatically and without question pay real human dollars to watch a season of ‘Friends’ where you appear to routinely beat the shit out of Ross Geller
“There’s a phrase, “sitzfleisch”, which means just plain sitting on your ass and getting it done. Just showing up for work. My uncle Raphael was a painter, and he used to say, “If the muse is late for work, start without her”. You have to be there. You have to be there, and do it, and grind it out, even when it is grinding and you know you’re probably going to rewrite all this tomorrow.”
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